Here are the summer Olympic sports (as it was in Rio de Janeiro) in the
order that I enjoy watching them. Obviously I split some sports like Track and
Field into smaller categories and clumped some together that were more or less
the same thing. My knowledge on some of these is limited, and could go up with
further viewing.
1.
Artistic Gymnastics
This is the perfect Olympic
sport. Elite-level gymnasts may be the greatest athletes in the world with how
they use every single part of their body to fly and swing and spin through the
air. The possibility of sudden failure is nail-biting. The triumph of a nailed
routine is exhilarating. With cameras getting up close and personal between
routines, we can see every thought that crosses their mind, giving us a deeper
investment than that of a runner or swimmer. And almost every routine is
different, among multiple apparatuses, ensuring you shouldn’t feel like you’re
watching the same thing over and over again.
2.
Swimming
Michael Phelps and his inhuman
achievements have helped make swimming into the premier Olympic event that it
currently is, and somehow even without him it’s insanely watchable. Events with
quick heats will automatically be more viewable than a 90-minute game, but the
promotion of certain athletes and the construction of primetime stories makes
swimming a venue for titanic battles, where the length of a fingernail is the
fine line between gold and disappointment.
3.
Beach Volleyball
The superior of the two
volleyballs, and not because of the hot beach bods (though that can be a
factor, if you want). The two-man team gives it all a greater sense of urgency,
as both teammates must be alert at all times, and the trust must be implicit.
It’s at its best when people are diving and chasing down erratic bumps that
threaten to cost you a point if it goes out of bounds. The sand allows for
scrappy plays and the sunglasses just reek of cool.
4.
Track (400m and Under)
Run really fast. Get gold. It’s
the purest event there is. There’s not much to it, so you might get bored after
a few races, but if you’re watching a heat with the cream of the crop, it’s
pretty exciting.
5.
Rugby Sevens
I discovered this during Rio,
and was surprised by how much I liked it. The 14-minute matches seem a little
too short (even 20 minutes would be good) but it ensures that you can plop down
and watch two or three in one sitting. The complexity is such that you won’t
get a barrage of points to make a blowout (unless you’re Fiji, apparently) but
nor are you likely to have a soccer-esque drought with no scores at the end. I will
definitely watch this in future games.
6.
Track (800m and Over)
There appears to be a surprising
amount of strategy in a clump of people fast-jogging together. The action
rarely gets thunderous but the group dynamic is enough to make the whole thing
worth watching.
7.
Hurdles
A decent degree of wipeout
possibility makes the hurdles a good investment to watch. Because top running
speeds are not possible, there’s never really an aura of “this is the fastest
man/woman alive”, but it’s sort of mesmerizing to see a top hurdler fly so
smoothly over the obstacle that it’s almost like they’re running through it.
8.
Indoor Cycling
I didn’t see much of this, but
it looked fun and there are a few different variations to keep it mixed.
Wipeouts are semi-common. Has untapped potential for me.
9.
Football (Soccer)
Soccer gets a boost because of the
large, enthusiastic crowds, but man…there are looooong periods with nothing
going on. It’s nice to have on as background noise, and close games are pretty
tense. But it’s the world’s game, so I kind of have no choice but to put it in
the top ten.
10.
Basketball
I actually love basketball.
College basketball is the one sport I watch regularly throughout the season,
but I can’t bring myself to care as much about the Olympic tournament as I
should. The U.S. is always the overwhelming favorite, and it’s full of pro
players whose careers don’t depend on winning gold here. I’ll always manage to
enjoy watching a basketball game, but I won’t follow the whole tournament. Plus
I know the rules, which helps tremendously in the Olympics.
11.
Indoor Volleyball
Volleyball is cool. We need more
volleyball in the world.
12.
Mountain Biking
I took a weird liking to Mountain Biking
and I’m not sure why. It’s just a bike race with slopes and logs and bridges
and rocks – so many sharp, jagged rocks. It was kind of pretty to look at, and
will likely look different for each host city.
13.
Canoe/Kayak Slalom
One or two people maneuver their
canoe/kayak down some fast-moving rapids and must pass through each gate on the
way down. It looks like a fun time, especially when they try to turn around to
grab a missed gate.
14.
Taekwondo
I did Taekwondo for years, so
I’m already predisposed to this. Sparring seems like it would be amazing to
watch but much of it is just two people hopping on their feet and throwing out
kicks that seem to do little more than gauge the distance between them. If
someone is down by two or more points with 30 seconds left, you’ll probably see
a furious scramble for points. My history with the sport forces me to keep this
one up this high; I just wish it was more impressive to watch.
15.
BMX Cycling
It’s pretty much just one event,
with people racing on bicycles over bumps and around turns. It’s over in a
blink, so not much investment needed. Adding an event for “artistic” BMXing
would not be unwelcome but then you get into the debate about whether the
Olympics should avoid looking like the X-Games. That’s not a debate I’m
prepared for, so I’m content with just this for now.
16.
Marathon
The ultimate test of endurance.
Like a bunch of other sports in the middle here, it’s fine to have on while
you’re doing other things. It has a strong legacy and its winner receives their
medal at the closing ceremony. That’s pretty rad.
17.
Road Cycling
Basically the same as the
marathon, but is placed lower simply because it’s not as brutally exhausting as
running on your feet.
18.
Triathalon
You would think that a
combination of three of the most grueling sports would be better than all of
them individually, but that’s not necessarily so. It usually doesn’t contain
the world’s-best in running, swimming, and cycling, so it’s like a bunch of B-level
competitors racing. That’s still not bad, but the triathalon just hasn’t really
taken off as a spectator favorite.
19.
Pole Vault
If you’ve ever wondered if
certain humans possess superhero powers, take a gander at Pole Vault for a few
minutes.
20.
Synchronized Swimming and Diving
The swimming is more interesting
than the diving, since the diving happens so fast that you can’t even tell how
well the routine is done. Seeing things done in perfect unison activates some
sort of pleasure sensor in our brain, so these are worth a look if nothing else
is on.
21.
Trampoline
I love bouncing on trampolines.
Do I love watching others do it? Eh…sort of. The event is a quick one,
scheduled in between regular gymnastics, and there is some impressive twirling
going on. Because the landings are not as important or difficult, the drama
leaks away as well. Unless they drift towards the mat. Then we’ve got a
problem!
22.
Decathalon/Heptathalon/Pentathalon
Take a bunch of sports and mush
them together. Unlike the Triathalon, there are some filler events in here like
shooting or javelin, and it takes more than one day to get through them all. It
does present some interesting scenarios where everyone has a different
specialty, allowing for fluid movement in the point standings. But you really
need to commit yourself if you want to see the whole thing.
23.
Tennis
It’s on pretty much all year,
with tournaments more prestigious than the Olympics. Still, it’s tennis. What
have you got to complain about?
24.
Badminton
The awkward adolescent phase between
table tennis and actual tennis – it’s easier to see what’s going on, but at a
detriment to the intensity.
25.
Table Tennis
If you are able to catch in
incredible back-and-forth run, it’s great. Most of the rest of the time it’s
ho-hum. More fun to play than it is to watch.
26.
Rhythmic Gymnastics
This is kind of fun, actually. I
haven’t seen much, so I’ve only seen the hoops and clubs used, but I’d like to
see more, especially that weird ball. Not sure how I would judge it, other than
with dropped objects. But, yeah, it has its moments.
27.
Diving
No comment. It’s diving. Can’t
really tell if it was good or bad without the announcers, but at least it’s
quick.
28.
Javelin/Discus/Shot Put/Hammer Throw
People throwing things. It’s not super
exciting. I spend most of the time sweating bullets that one of the workers is
going to get impaled or bludgeoned.
29.
Water Polo
There’s a chance I could get
into Water Polo at some point. Right now it doesn’t seem super exciting to me,
and certainly isn’t a display of premier athletic ability.
30.
Weightlifting
There was more to weightlifting
than I initially thought. I didn’t have time to really pursue it in Rio but
there’s definitely something there, and it could go up after Tokyo. The danger level
leaves me a little squeamish.
31.
Fencing
Thank god for the red and green
lights, or else I’d be completely lost. It’s not exactly the best sign if you
need a hypersensitive gizmo to tell who got the point, but Fencing is enough of
its own unique thing that it deserves a little bit of attention.
32.
Handball
Water Polo, but on land, meaning
people are just running around with balls in their hand. Basketball works
because they dribble. Rugby works because you get tackled. Soccer works because
it’s with your feet. Being able to just run with the ball makes it a little too
simple, and I prefer more complicated games.
33.
Archery
Dude, it’s ARCHERY! Like with
actual arrows! The bows these days are pretty state-of-the-art, which might
suck just a tiny bit of fun from it, but not much. Most of the arrows land
pretty close to the mark, so just one errant missile can be the game-ender,
which is not that gratifying. It gains points for looking pretty badass though.
34.
Canoe/Kayak Sprint
It’s basically rowing, but with
two notable things going for it: the canoes shift position constantly and
quickly, which you don’t usually see in rowing; and the paddles look really
cool when the teams row in perfect unison.
35.
Long Jump/Triple Jump/High Jump
Of the three, high jump is
probably the best because success or failure is easy to see. But mostly I don’t
care about people jumping.
36.
Judo
Unlike Taekwondo, I don’t really
know how this works. So…yeah.
37.
Field Hockey
You may as well just watch soccer. It
doesn’t require players to hunch over.
38.
Steeplechase
Running, but with puddles. It’s
up this high because it’s just running. But it’s down this low because it’s
JUST puddles?
39.
Wrestling
I know it’s become cliché to
joke about wrestling as “two big sweaty guys grabbing each other”, and don’t
get me wrong, that’s definitely what it turns out to be, but there’s at least a
little bit of strategy going on there. It’s slow strategy, but it’s something.
There has been talk about removing this from the Games and, while the legacy
factor should certainly be considered, I wouldn’t shed tears if it went off the
schedule.
40.
Equestrian
This has animals, which
automatically makes it more intriguing than most Olympic sports. Unfortunately,
it mostly consists of jumping over barriers of various sizes, shapes, and
colors. You spend most of it worried about an accident – but unlike hurdles, it
involves horses, which means steed or rider could be hurt in a way that’s not
as fun for slow-motion replays. In the right mood, Equestrian can be alright to
watch. Dressage can take a hike, though.
41.
Golf
Like Tennis, it’s on all the
time and the pros don’t need this. But it’s as inoffensive as you can get.
42.
Sailing
Seems pretty difficult to
follow. Unfortunately, it’s not interesting-looking enough to try and learn the
mechanics of it.
43.
Boxing
Boxing works better to me from a
historical point of view than as a live sport, and its best days are behind it.
The fact that Olympic boxing has been subject to rigging in recent years makes
it nearly unwatchable now.
44.
Rowing
It’s just rowing. The only
notable thing about it is that you can get a nice little extended view of the
host city in the background, like you’re watching a side-scrolling video game.
Other than that…they row.
45.
Shooting
If you like guns, maybe you like
this. If you don’t like guns, it’s archery but without being able to see the thing
happen. Pass.
46.
Speed Walk
I’m sorry, but I can’t. I just
can’t. Any other sport, I can respect why a person chose it. This just creeps
me out.
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